To thrive or to survive? THAT is the question.

"So, what do you do?"

This question infallibly gets tossed out in less than a minute of meeting someone new. And, of course, they're talking about what you do for a living. How you make money? What you do to exist in this world? My journey over the last 2 years has shifted my perspective on this question. Not surprisingly, it's moved from a masculine to a feminine viewpoint.

Over the last 10 years, I answered this question proudly. And proudly is the operative word here. My ego was more than happy to tell you about what I did, along with how busy I was, overwhelmed, etc. etc. I was a doer and enjoyed the conversation moving in the direction of what I did; my career was interesting so that must mean I was interesting. Right? Masculine aspects at play.

Then, one day I had a sickening realization. My identity was tied up in my career. I really didn't want that to be true, but there it was. Without exaggeration, I literally couldn't tell you (or myself) who I was outside of "what I did for a living." Even worse, I had complained pointlessly about the big egos in my line of work. When I realized that I didn't even know who I was outside of my career, I realized that my ego was no different from the ones I was bumping up against.

OUCH! That was a harsh look in the mirror. So I took action.

Today, "What do you do?" compels me to reframe my answer in the hopes that people will start reframing the question. Some may argue that's because my ego bristles at no longer having a phat career to point to. I've considered that, but have decided that to truly know me is to know what makes me thrive rather than what I do to survive. Ideally, they would be one and the same. In fact, they were for a long time.

And then it simply changed. Or I changed. It really didn't matter which; all that did matter was that my career became an energy drain instead of an energy gain. I felt my way through this one. Feminine aspects at play.

I've italicized a lot of do's and did's here. Doing is important when tasks need to be completed. We all need to get things done. But, by identifying with my accomplishments--in essence, what is outside of myself--I made solid what is meant to be continually changing. I'm talking about who I am. Who I am changes all the time, as it should if I'm to stay in creative flow.

Do > Be = Masculine > Feminine. Both are great tools. Pick the right one for the job (no pun intended).

So, the next time you meet someone new, consider asking them "So, how do you spend your time?" or "What makes you thrive?" or "What gives you energy?" If they end up telling you about their job because they love it, that's awesome. If they end up telling you about their job out of habit, you can ask them again. Maybe you'll open up a whole new conversation and possibly--just maybe--really get to know who they are in that moment. And maybe that look in the mirror will give them a better sense of who they are in that moment, too.

It all started with a Brazilian....

Since nothing is linear in the feminine realm, I'll simply start here. "Here" is November 2008 in Florianopolis, Brazil. On a whim, I had my hummingbird tattoo of 20 years covered up with this:



For years, I had considered getting my trusty hummingbird redrawn to fix the linear (snicker) wings and the earwig-looking tail (ick). Several artists told me it would end up looking like an eagle. Umm, no thanks. The hummingbird symbolized my free-spiritedness, uniqueness, love of animals, music (related to my 1969 Gibson Hummingbird guitar). This is what it originally looked like:


Now that I'm solidly rooted in these aspects, I thought about what I might like as a completely different cover-up tattoo. Nothing meaningful came through....until 9 days of torrential Brazilian rains drove me and my friend, Nan, into a random tattoo parlor. The artist, Marqueno, was adorable beyond description...except to say that his energy was completely alive. He didn't speak English and I didn't speak Portuguese. Whatever. I somehow communicated "yin yang" and "male/female". Not sure where that inspiration came from but that's all I gave him. After that meager description, he motioned that he was headed upstairs to draw something. Meanwhile, I flipped through books hoping to find something that might represent male/female. The very moment I came upon an integrated sun and moon, I thought "that's it!!", Marqueno walked down the stairs with the very drawing that made it onto my belly. I didn't edit a thing, which I find amazing (as did Nan for different reasons).

Without fully realizing it then, I launched myself into a new exploration of what it means to integrate the polarities of masculine and feminine energies within myself. This is a huge deal for me. I've spent the majority of my life thriving in a career by accessing my masculine qualities:

• goal-oriented and driven
• analytical and unemotional
• assertive

Of course, I wasn't aware at the time that I was "accessing" anything other than inherent motivation. Only in the last 2 years of my career did I feel like something different was going on. I started having the unsettling experience of feeling like I was speaking an entirely different language than my male peers. Responsible for strategy and visioning work for the founder of eBay, I had spent the last 10 years doing that mostly intuitively...no translation required. As the corporate dynamics changed, so did the work process as my peers favored data-centric and process-oriented models. While data and process are important, my spirit and creativity felt like they were shriveling.

So I decided to leave my career. If that sounds easy, it wasn't. The people I worked for were far more than just employers. I adored them, believed in them...and still do. But I was being called--cryptically--to something else and I had to trust in that. Or else suffer the consequence of feeling unsettled and unhappy. Umm, no thanks.

It's been 21 months since then and I've been blissfully pursuing music, expanding my culinary skills, practicing yoga, paying into my remarkable friendships, traveling, sleeping. Not stressing. Today, I know more about what process was really beginning...My feminine aspects were rising up. In fact, I now realize that at my core, I've always been feminine:

• nurturing
• sustained by connected relationships
• intuitive
• communicative

The masculine aspects that served me so well in my career were merely overdeveloped. They weren't my defining core, which is why they stopped sustaining me and started draining me.

With this new perspective, I embark on an exploration of what it means to be a woman, a girl, a feminine sprite, and what I'm meant to do with all that. Thanks for coming along for the ride as I wonder out loud....

What's a girl to do?